Rethinking Conflict Resolution: First Lose “Interest” in It!

By: Grande Lum

“The greatest discovery of my generation is that a human being can alter his life by altering his attitude of mind.”   William James, 19th century psychologist

The problem is that “conflict” creates stress which sometimes can lead to responses that can hinder success.   A CEO who wants to be popular  avoids giving “negative” feedback to colleagues who he has worked with for 30 plus years,  unwittingly leading to the company's demise.   A wife and a husband yell at each other in a crowded restaurant over whose turn it is to clean the bathroom.  We all have tapes inside of us ready to play when the conflict button gets pushed.

Sometimes these “taped” fight or flight responses are healthy.  When  2 strangers start brawling a block ahead of you,  it's usually wise to cross the street.   If a car is about to hit a pedestrian, yelling is often the right call.  There are historical, biological and evolutionary rationales that still make sense.  However, when it comes to dealing with complex, nuanced problems, these automatic responses can be hurtful. 

Your initial reaction might be how do you lose interest in conflict?   It's easier than you think . First of all pay close attention to the “tapes” playing inside. What are you telling yourself when you're in conflict with someone.  Let's say you're angry with what a co-worker who criticized your project.  Does your mind race to telling the person off or avoiding the person altogether?  Do you then jump to all the negative qualities about the person? 

Next time this happens, try consciously pushing the stop button.  Just let it go.  Reflect on difficult situations between people who are close to each other.  Have you ever experienced or seen someone else speak very quietly, yet with blazing clarity and depth?  What may be happening is a person who is seeking out the calmness within their own storm, focusing on what really matters.  The “conflict” does not matter, but the unresolved issue or emotional wound does.  By minimizing or getting past the automatic conflict response, a pathway moving forward becomes possible .  When you do this you might find yourself speaking directly and honestly without being overly angry AND without avoiding the situation and seething inside.

Examine the consequences of your own responses to conflicts with others.  Are they really worth holding on to?  Is it worth getting angry with a co-worker, when you know 30 minutes afterwards you are going to regret your behavior?  Is it worth the internalized stress of avoiding a conversation with a significant other about an investment gone bad?  Do you kick yourself for always placating or giving in to others when they are in conflict with you?

As you get better at letting go and actually get “bored” of the conflict, you then have a larger array of responses to choose from.   Dealing with the heart of the matter becomes more possible.  You become more accountable to yourself, because you are not reacting to conflict, but rather to the issue itself.