In Conflict, Treat The Subject with Respect and Dignity

By: Grande Lum

In Conflict, Treat the Subject with Respect and Dignity

The noted educator Parker Palmer once said, “True collaboration in any context requires a transcendent third thing that holds both me and thee accountable to something beyond ourselves.”  Parties who get stuck into shouting matches often fall into ego battles. 

One piece of advice that is often given is to “be soft on the people and hard on the problem.” Certainly treating people properly to create a better relationship is sound advice.  And turning the energy towards the “problem” can get people away from blaming each other. But how?

Treat the Problem With Compassion, Too

We must treat the “problem” or the subject of the discussion with compassion as well as the person.  Too often negative personal energy gets displaced on the problem being discussed.   If the only “active” agents in the room are the people, then ego and stubbornness are still likely to win the day.  By treating the subject being dealt with as central, by giving it presence, the communication starts to take on a different energy.  

Put Subject in the Center

By putting the subject into the center of the circle, it can become just as active an agent as any individual person. If the topic is one that is producing great emotion, the topic itself has substance and heft. By giving the subject matter space, the individuals can then see the reality of the subject more clearly and are thus more able to work together on dealing with it.