How to Make All Communication Civil

By: Heather Meeker Green, Reid Zurlo

At a time when civil discourse is making headlines, we could all use a little communication refresher.  No matter the topic, each time we communicate we’re influencing, persuading, or negotiating.  Even when our purpose is to simply “share,” we’re shaping another’s perspective.  And we want it to be in a collaborative and connected manner, not full of tension and disconnection. Knowing this is true, then learning how to exchange information in a way that leads us to better understanding is an essential skill.

To be civilized is to be of society; “adequate in courtesy and politeness” and the definition of society is “a voluntary association of individuals for common ends; especially an organized group working together or periodically meeting because of common interests, beliefs or profession (Merriam Webster Dictionary).”  One may wonder, how can consistent civil discourse take place? From our perspective, it takes an ability to slow down our reactions and conclusions, an interest-based mentality, and an abundant view that there are many possible solutions and options.  What does this mean?

First, we have to investigate our mindset and our assumptions. Often, we find they’re pre-determined long before we begin communicating.  We have a set of beliefs and a vision of what we imagine will take place, who will say what and “how” they will say it.  In fact, it’s not unusual to latch onto our own idea of what someone’s response will be before we stop to listen, be curious or formulate our next question.  In fact, we base our our questions according to what we think we will hear or heard.  Meanwhile, we don’t really know what the other person was trying to say and at a deeper level, what their interests are or what’s motivating them? Given our lack of understanding, how can we really predict what they are thinking and feeling or what will happen when we interact?  We can’t.

If we haven’t identified our own mindset and tested our assumptions, our approach and response to the person we’re communicating with can end up emotionally charged and lead to misunderstanding and undesirable outcomes. Additionally dealing with other people’s emotional reactions or tough tactics can be challenging.  That’s why we recommend having simple frameworks in the area of mindsets, assumptions, interest-based communication and collaboration can change the outcome of any interaction.

Something as simple as recognizing that there are three different mindsets possible in communication and identifying which mode you are in and which the other party is in can be helpful in addressing misunderstanding. Are you in advocate mode, presenting your needs and wants, while the other has the helper perspective, listening to you without expressing an opinion and trying to find solutions that work for you but without taking into account their own needs? Or are you dealing with an observer who acts as a witness or neutral third party taking in information and analyzing but not suggesting a course of action.  The capacity to recognize the perspectives in communication and also shift among all three when appropriate is an important skill. And then when in problem-solving mode, the ability to discuss interest and possible options can lead to successful results.  Using these two frameworks with a simple formula of setting a good agenda for communication,  digging deeper to get to the crux of the issues and building trust, and making best decision given the information you have gathered is a format for creating civil discourse where unsavory tactics once reined.

In short, whether it’s political in nature, business oriented, or personally driven, our well being and success depends heavily on our individual ability to be civil and hear each other’s perspectives.  If we really want to achieve better outcomes, in the end, we need to take it a step further and be responsible for our awareness of our perspectives and the other’s, sharing and gathering the most we can about our needs, and being responsive to each person’s needs in the interaction.