Influencing Inside Out

By: Heather Meeker Green

Have you ever wondered how you could be more influential in situations in your life? Having studied, observed, practiced and taught best practices to being influential for decades, I believe a good start is to first influence yourself and then you can be influential with others. If you go into the situation without having influenced yourself first, you may be unprepared and resistant and find that getting to a good outcome is tougher that you hoped.  To me, influencing yourself first means putting yourself in the right mindset and planning a little so the conversation will flow in a positive direction.

Influencing Yourself

When influencing yourself, I recommend that you reflect on and have an informed understanding of the situation at hand, the person you are dealing with, the attitude you want to bring to the situation, and a range of possible outcomes.

Here are some questions that I ask myself before I start an influencing conversation with someone.

Understanding the situation: If I were an observer to the situation, what do I know about the facts of the situation and the content around which I am trying to influence? What is the status of my relationship with the other person?

Understanding the person with which I am dealing: What is their main focus when they deal with me (the facts, the relationship, their story)? What is their current emotional state?

Understanding myself: What is my main focus when I deal with them (the facts, the relationship, my story)? What is my current emotional state? What attitude do I want to bring to this situation?

Option consideration: If there is a potential solution needed for the situation, consider the possible range of outcomes that you want from most desirable to acceptable based on what is most important to you.

Once you have gotten a holistic picture of the situation and you have considered how you want to approach the situation, you will be better prepared to have an effective conversation with the other person.

Influencing Others

Now that I have my own mindset ready, I want to use best practices to influence others well.  Here are some that I put to use on a regular basis.

I begin by stating a desired common goal or outcome for the conversation. For example, “I believe a successful result on this project is important to both of us and I’d like to discuss some possibilities to improve the process.” This helps with the likability principle that is a psychological factor in influencing well, that is that we are influenced by people who are likable which includes those similar to ourselves and focused on a common positive outcome.

Next, I ask good, open-ended, curious questions to fully understand what is important to them, especially if I have heard demands or positional statements. I want to dig underneath to get at their interests and needs. I listen well, demonstrating that I have heard them by paraphrasing back the key information in order to try to avoid getting distracted by thinking about what I will say next. For example, “In order for us to be able to come to a joint solution today, it is critical that I understand your perspective and I’d like to share mine. I have a few questions for you that will help me look at the situation from a number of viewpoints.” Despite learning some new and valuable information, I try to stop myself from jumping too quickly to solutions at this point.

Once I understand the other person’s perceptions, I begin to share my perspectives to ensure that my needs are clear in the discussion and part of the consideration. There is a greater likelihood to me being heard once I have listened to the other party.

Finally, I invite an open conversation about possible solutions or outcomes for which we could strive. I can share a few key ideas that I have considered that will take into account what I have learned in the conversation and ask for others from my counterpart. When we find a way to resolve things together, we are likely to come to agreement, and the result will be more likely to be implemented because we agree.

Ultimately I focus on being collaborative and assertive, focused on common interests and goals, a jointly executed process and ways to meet as many of each set of needs as possible. The attitude I choose to be in is one of confidence that we can find a positive solution and one of optimism that the other person will feel heard and understood and so will I.

How do you influence well? Do you start on the inside first and then focus outwards? What results have you gotten?