About Power

By: Grande Lum

Defuse Power with Respect

Respect is an issue we keep coming back to because it's important. When you're locked into a power-related contest of wills, use respect to keep your conversations civil and productive.

Power comes into play when each party tries to "beat" the other. Politeness and civility disappear, replaced by attempts to exert greater control over the situation and the other person. Avoiding the occasional power struggle with a rival, friend or family can be hard. Rudeness and arrogance can be attempts to equalize a perceived power differential. Creating distance or showing displeasure can be useful signals. The problem arises when this snowballs into an unnecessary fight. Both sides act powerfully because they feel powerless.

In this case, showing respect shows appreciation, and can defuse the power game.

When the Other Person Sees You as Powerful

We see each other through the lens of power. You may be showing respect to help defuse the power game, but when others perceive you as being powerful, it's easier to be labeled as manipulative, insensitive, rude, and selfish. Trying to keep this "reputation" (whether it's true or not) from preceding you can be frustrating. Perhaps you believe you are egalitarian, fair and unbiased. Perhaps you don't believe you're all that powerful, or perhaps you're uncomfortable with being perceived as powerful.

Managing perceptions is one way to correct this imbalance. Create cognitive dissonance by correcting a misperception with truth. If you are perceived as rude then display obvious politeness and courtesy. Make sure your intent matches the impact.  If you are perceived as powerful, both positive and negative qualities will be projected upon you. You have the greater challenge of making sure your purposes are interpreted as you intended. Be more explicit about goals, agenda and motives to prevent misunderstanding and suspicion.

If you are in fact powerful, recognize this and accept it so you won't use your power unwisely. Redoubling your efforts to be respectful and to manage perceptions will help you get the most from your dealings with "less powerful" individuals.

When You See Yourself as Powerless

Power is seductive because you think you can get the outcomes you want from any situation. Powerlessness is also seductive, though, because you become blameless for these outcomes. You say to yourself, "There was nothing I could do about it!"   Both states of mind are intellectually lazy—more prone to adopt an absolutist view of life controlled by either/or, right/wrong, and good/bad.

The path to powerlessness is easy: we believe the other person holds power because they wear a certain uniform, or are higher up the company ladder. The reality is that rarely in everyday life are we either completely powerful or completely powerless. Viewing ourselves as powerless is a self-fulfilling prophecy. If we see ourselves as being unable to change a situation, then we are less likely to do so. Our reaction is debilitating, and leads to a lack of rapport, creativity and effectiveness.

Seeing yourself as less powerful can also lead to anxiety and ultimately anger. In fact, both parties in a conflict can see themselves as powerless, leading to "competitive victimization" which almost always goes badly.

Rather than being helpless, be assertive. Take responsibility and don't minimize yourself regardless of rank and position. Taking action to alter a potentially adversarial relationship with a powerful person gives you choices, levels the playing field, and results in healthier, more productive relationships.